Doctor Zhivago said, "Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us." Why then am I often so busy trying to figure everything out? I analyze and analyze until my head is aching. Often I figure things out, more often, I think I figure things out.
I have to admit when I let go, stop thinking and just let life happen, I am so often pleasantly surprised. I have a Father who loves me, who lavishes me with love and who has plans to prosper me; why would I try to figure out what He is going to do, when I could just step back and let Him spoil me?
I love to be surprised - it brings a huge smile to my face, melts my heart and fills me with joy. I want to learn how to let life take me by surprise more often.
"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder" Charles Morgan. And how much more beautiful is this surprise when you thought that life was nothing but pain and sorrow, when you have gotten so used to desert that you didn't know if paradise really existed? Then you step out of the desert, towards paradise and you look around, discovering that love is all around you. Oh how the heart swells!
Do you know what it is like to be loved and cared for? If we truly look around we can see that God's expressions of love are all around us. Sometimes we just have to look a little harder. Does this surprise you?
"God demonstrates His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 It was not after we made ourselves good enough, not after we got our act together, and not after we cleaned up our lives, that He loved us. It was while we were yet sinners. What a glorious and beautiful surprise!
Now that's what I call a gift!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
How Bizarre
And Jesus said to them, "Have you come out with swords and clubs to arrest Me, as you would against a robber? Every day I was with you in the temple teaching and you did not seize Me; but this has taken place to fulfill the Scriptures." Mark 14:48-49
The Jewish police force came out to arrest Jesus, but there was a band of Roman soldiers there, too. The Greek word is speira. This word has 3 meanings: a Roman cohort, if it was a cohort of auxiliary soldiers, speira had 1,000 men, 240 cavalary and 760 infantry; a cohort of 600 men; and more rarely: the detachment of men called a maniple of 200 men.
Lets just suppose that the word speira in this context is referring to the lesser used, smallest force: a maniple. That is an awful heck of a lot of men to send out just to arrest one man, whom is alone in a garden, with his disciples, praying.
I would say that they were afraid of His power, because He is the Son of God, only they claimed He was a fraud and a phony: not the Son of God. Why then were they afraid?
Do you think they started to wonder what Caiaphas was thinking having them all get suited up, in formation and ready for a battle, just to arrest one man. One man who at the slightest sign of his 'army' using their sword to cause harm, reached down and healed the ear that was just slain.
I wonder how many of them thought "You've got to be kidding me. What a waste of my time. Seriously, has Caiaphas lost his mind." Was he out of his mind? Had Caiaphas battled with paranoia or was he a little schizophrenic?
I think that deep down his subconscious knew that this man truly was the Son of God, that He is all powerful and He has the power to do anything He wants. Unfortunately for him (and all the soldiers who had been summonsed), his subconscious was not aware that this all powerful man had every intention of laying down His life. For you, for me and for every single man standing there that day.
The Jewish police force came out to arrest Jesus, but there was a band of Roman soldiers there, too. The Greek word is speira. This word has 3 meanings: a Roman cohort, if it was a cohort of auxiliary soldiers, speira had 1,000 men, 240 cavalary and 760 infantry; a cohort of 600 men; and more rarely: the detachment of men called a maniple of 200 men.
Lets just suppose that the word speira in this context is referring to the lesser used, smallest force: a maniple. That is an awful heck of a lot of men to send out just to arrest one man, whom is alone in a garden, with his disciples, praying.
I would say that they were afraid of His power, because He is the Son of God, only they claimed He was a fraud and a phony: not the Son of God. Why then were they afraid?
Do you think they started to wonder what Caiaphas was thinking having them all get suited up, in formation and ready for a battle, just to arrest one man. One man who at the slightest sign of his 'army' using their sword to cause harm, reached down and healed the ear that was just slain.
I wonder how many of them thought "You've got to be kidding me. What a waste of my time. Seriously, has Caiaphas lost his mind." Was he out of his mind? Had Caiaphas battled with paranoia or was he a little schizophrenic?
I think that deep down his subconscious knew that this man truly was the Son of God, that He is all powerful and He has the power to do anything He wants. Unfortunately for him (and all the soldiers who had been summonsed), his subconscious was not aware that this all powerful man had every intention of laying down His life. For you, for me and for every single man standing there that day.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Home Sweet Home
Ahh, home at last. How sweet it is! I just arrived here in Colorado last Friday evening. It's everything I hoped for, as well as a few surprises. The first surprise was at how angry I was to be leaving Africa. I had worked so hard to get to Africa that a part of me was angry to be leaving. I have so many wonderful friends, a church I truly love: all the people i know are truly beautiful. I already miss them so much and was angry to be leaving.
Sad I expected, angry took me by surprise. Talking to my friend David on Sunday, I was told that he still feels this way every time he leaves Jordan to come back, even after 7 years. Where you now live becomes home and everything you want and need is already there, yet you desire to be around family and friends back in the states and you get angry that you have to leave one to be with the other.
You discover that what you looked to as going home is really leaving home. You are now a tourist in a place that was once home. There is a familiarity about it and as you stand there soaking it in you start to remember what once it was like.
You also know that you are not on vacation, that there are things expected of you and you have to spend a lot of time talking about everything that you wish you were back home doing.
It's exhausting (even thinking and preparing for it) and this makes you angry. So then, how does one deal with this? I don't know, but I intend to find out since this will be something that happens quite often. I intend to find a way to leave the anger behind and just be grateful that I am finally where I longed to come back. I get to be with my family and with my friends. I get to do so many cool things.
I have already been spoiled far beyond my imagination and it has only been a few days. I have numerous road trips planned and know that this will be such fun. I have already received about a thousand hugs and kisses from my niece, who has permanently glued herself to my hip (at least when her mom lets her - she would sleep with me if she was allowed).
To be honest, being able to hug, kiss and spend time with my neice is the one thing I longed for more than anything else here back home. I had times that I had a dream about her and I would wake up crying. I intend to soak up every moment I get with her, even the constant "Emily, Emily do this, Emily look at this, Emily help me, Emily, Emily, Emily..." For I know that not long from now I will once again miss this.
Sad I expected, angry took me by surprise. Talking to my friend David on Sunday, I was told that he still feels this way every time he leaves Jordan to come back, even after 7 years. Where you now live becomes home and everything you want and need is already there, yet you desire to be around family and friends back in the states and you get angry that you have to leave one to be with the other.
You discover that what you looked to as going home is really leaving home. You are now a tourist in a place that was once home. There is a familiarity about it and as you stand there soaking it in you start to remember what once it was like.
You also know that you are not on vacation, that there are things expected of you and you have to spend a lot of time talking about everything that you wish you were back home doing.
It's exhausting (even thinking and preparing for it) and this makes you angry. So then, how does one deal with this? I don't know, but I intend to find out since this will be something that happens quite often. I intend to find a way to leave the anger behind and just be grateful that I am finally where I longed to come back. I get to be with my family and with my friends. I get to do so many cool things.
I have already been spoiled far beyond my imagination and it has only been a few days. I have numerous road trips planned and know that this will be such fun. I have already received about a thousand hugs and kisses from my niece, who has permanently glued herself to my hip (at least when her mom lets her - she would sleep with me if she was allowed).
To be honest, being able to hug, kiss and spend time with my neice is the one thing I longed for more than anything else here back home. I had times that I had a dream about her and I would wake up crying. I intend to soak up every moment I get with her, even the constant "Emily, Emily do this, Emily look at this, Emily help me, Emily, Emily, Emily..." For I know that not long from now I will once again miss this.
Who's Plan is It?
Jesus said "Put your sword back into its place; for all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword. Or do you think that I cannot appeal to My Father, and He will at once put at My disposal more than twelve legions of angels? How then will the Scriptures be fulfilled, which say that it must happen this way?"
Matthew 26-52-54
And here Caiaphas thought that he was the one to orchastrate the arrest of Jesus; Malchus thought that it was Caiaphas he was following orders from. Ends up it was really God who orchastrated the whole thing and gave the orders.
How often do we think that we are the ones orchastrating everything just to find out that we are really not the ones in control at all? So often I put a whole LOT of energy into trying to make things happen, just for it to not really happen or worse, for me to mess up what would have happened sooner and better had I left it alone. Sometimes I even make it so that what was going to happen doesn't end up happening at all, due to trying too hard to force things and people having the power of choice.
Caiaphas thought he was a big dog and that he finally would be the one to get this Messiah that so many were hoping to put a stop to. He thought he had it all figured out. Oh how blind pride can make us. He thought he was so cool. He thought he was making the impossible happen. Yet what was 'impossible' wasn't so impossible after all since it was the will of God. Had he not followed through, God would have chosen someone else to do it. It had to happen since it was the will of God.
So you see, we're really not that cool at all. It is not us that make things happen (whether we believe in God or not, we are still subject to His will. We just choose which side of the team we will be on.) It is not us that help or save others, for alone we can do nothing.
It is because of Him; He is the awesome and powerful One who put everything into place even before time began. It is by His power that we are able to make a difference. We are just blessed enough to be able to join in His plan.
Matthew 26-52-54
And here Caiaphas thought that he was the one to orchastrate the arrest of Jesus; Malchus thought that it was Caiaphas he was following orders from. Ends up it was really God who orchastrated the whole thing and gave the orders.
How often do we think that we are the ones orchastrating everything just to find out that we are really not the ones in control at all? So often I put a whole LOT of energy into trying to make things happen, just for it to not really happen or worse, for me to mess up what would have happened sooner and better had I left it alone. Sometimes I even make it so that what was going to happen doesn't end up happening at all, due to trying too hard to force things and people having the power of choice.
Caiaphas thought he was a big dog and that he finally would be the one to get this Messiah that so many were hoping to put a stop to. He thought he had it all figured out. Oh how blind pride can make us. He thought he was so cool. He thought he was making the impossible happen. Yet what was 'impossible' wasn't so impossible after all since it was the will of God. Had he not followed through, God would have chosen someone else to do it. It had to happen since it was the will of God.
So you see, we're really not that cool at all. It is not us that make things happen (whether we believe in God or not, we are still subject to His will. We just choose which side of the team we will be on.) It is not us that help or save others, for alone we can do nothing.
It is because of Him; He is the awesome and powerful One who put everything into place even before time began. It is by His power that we are able to make a difference. We are just blessed enough to be able to join in His plan.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
INFP
A little insite into the inner workings of me :-) My personality type (according to Myers-Brigg) is INFP. Here are some characteristics of this type. People argue that I am an extravert - I think the INFP fits me to a T!
INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed.
With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships.
INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.
INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.
INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate's privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate's perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.
In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving people who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.
Strengths:
Warmly concerned and caring towards others
Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Deep capacity for love and caring
Driven to meet other's needs
Strive for "win-win" situations
Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
Able to express themselves well
Flexible and diverse
Weaknesses:
May tend to be shy and reserved
Don't like to have their "space" invaded
Extreme dislike of conflict
Extreme dislike of criticism
Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
May react very emotionally to stressful situations
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed.
With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships.
INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.
INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.
INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate's privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate's perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.
In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving people who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.
Strengths:
Warmly concerned and caring towards others
Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Deep capacity for love and caring
Driven to meet other's needs
Strive for "win-win" situations
Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
Able to express themselves well
Flexible and diverse
Weaknesses:
May tend to be shy and reserved
Don't like to have their "space" invaded
Extreme dislike of conflict
Extreme dislike of criticism
Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
May react very emotionally to stressful situations
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Losing a part of myself
Oh how deep is the grief that is inside of me. Grief, the feeling that has overwhelmed me so many times since moving to Africa. Quickly after comes the guilt that I shouldn't feel this way. I hate grief, it makes me feel week and vulnerable. It also feels as if it devalues me. I feel the pressure that as a Christian I have to have it all together and I feel it even more as a missionary. Why? Why isn't it okay to be going through some hard things? Why isn't it okay to go through a period of ups and downs - joy and sorrow?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other
Two sides
Oh how deep is the grief that is inside of me. Grief, the feeling that has overwhelmed me so many times since moving to Africa. Quickly after comes the guilt that I shouldn't feel this way. I hate grief, it makes me feel week and vulnerable. It also feels as if it devalues me. I feel the pressure that as a Christian I have to have it all together and I feel it even more as a missionary. Why? Why isn't it okay to be going through some hard things? Why isn't it okay to go through a period of ups and downs - joy and sorrow?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other?
I'm told this is very common for missionaries, esp in their first year. I often tell myself it won't always feel like this. Some days this just isn't enough to get me cheery. I feel like I'm letting go of so much and ministry is chiseling me into a whole new person; the person I was meant to be. Why does chiseling have to be so painful?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other?
I'm told this is very common for missionaries, esp in their first year. I often tell myself it won't always feel like this. Some days this just isn't enough to get me cheery. I feel like I'm letting go of so much and ministry is chiseling me into a whole new person; the person I was meant to be. Why does chiseling have to be so painful?
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Gift of Health
You don't usually appreciate your health until you no longer have it. I have gone through numerous health issues, some severe, some less severe, some chronic, some situational; all annoying. I had gotten so used to being sick and in pain that I didn't know what it was really like to be in health.
The first day I used my c-pap (sleep machine, which I no longer need - praise God)and got my first night of real sleep I remember waking up the next day so unbelievably energized and happy. Lack of sleep had made me depressed and exhausted. I got soooo much done that day. I remember thinking "this is what it's like to get sleep?". I had no idea what I had been missing out on. I never wanted to go back!
The day I was healed from fibromyalgia I had run to my cabin without thinking. Once I got there I stopped suddenly - it had just dawned on me that I had run. I had difficulty walking too much and hadn't run in years! I couldn't believe how amazing it felt.
I was in a car accident and had injured 1/2 of my body. I spent a couple of months in bed (because that was all I could do) with ice on 1/2 my body. Later when I was at a point where I could start strengthening I took full advantage of it - it felt incredible. It felt so good that I continued working out the entire rest of last year. I even upped the working out to 4x/wk and was doing things I never could before (I just hurt a bit afterwards).
This year I have had quite a bit more pain from the injuries due to it now having been many months since getting treatment and not being done with what I need. Also, from being more seditary and not having kept up on working out. I forgot how good it felt to be in health until I got the flu.
This past flu was a nightmare. I was sick for a couple of weeks with a cold, then it turned to the flu with a very high temp, then bronchitis, then got bit by a spider on my face and had effects from the poison, then got laryngitis and really sore throat and still am losing voice, have a cough and get sore throat and it has been almost 5 weeks. I'm remembering just how much being in health is a gift.
Health is something that God wants for all of us, not because we deserve it, but because He loves us. Ask anyone who doesn't have health and they will tell you how much they yearn for it. God wants to lavish on each of us the gift of health. I know that as I get my health back, I truly, truly am grateful for the gift of health.
The first day I used my c-pap (sleep machine, which I no longer need - praise God)and got my first night of real sleep I remember waking up the next day so unbelievably energized and happy. Lack of sleep had made me depressed and exhausted. I got soooo much done that day. I remember thinking "this is what it's like to get sleep?". I had no idea what I had been missing out on. I never wanted to go back!
The day I was healed from fibromyalgia I had run to my cabin without thinking. Once I got there I stopped suddenly - it had just dawned on me that I had run. I had difficulty walking too much and hadn't run in years! I couldn't believe how amazing it felt.
I was in a car accident and had injured 1/2 of my body. I spent a couple of months in bed (because that was all I could do) with ice on 1/2 my body. Later when I was at a point where I could start strengthening I took full advantage of it - it felt incredible. It felt so good that I continued working out the entire rest of last year. I even upped the working out to 4x/wk and was doing things I never could before (I just hurt a bit afterwards).
This year I have had quite a bit more pain from the injuries due to it now having been many months since getting treatment and not being done with what I need. Also, from being more seditary and not having kept up on working out. I forgot how good it felt to be in health until I got the flu.
This past flu was a nightmare. I was sick for a couple of weeks with a cold, then it turned to the flu with a very high temp, then bronchitis, then got bit by a spider on my face and had effects from the poison, then got laryngitis and really sore throat and still am losing voice, have a cough and get sore throat and it has been almost 5 weeks. I'm remembering just how much being in health is a gift.
Health is something that God wants for all of us, not because we deserve it, but because He loves us. Ask anyone who doesn't have health and they will tell you how much they yearn for it. God wants to lavish on each of us the gift of health. I know that as I get my health back, I truly, truly am grateful for the gift of health.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Gift of Problems
Oh, problems. What can I say about problems? I usually wish I had none. I wish life was easy and always went my way, but it's not and it doesn't. Problems are inevitable, so how is it that a problem is a blessing?
It draws me close to God. I have to lean on Him if I'm going to solve the problem, not just muddle through it. They show me what I'm made of and make me stronger. They show me what I am not made of and how I need to change. They show me the depths of my heart and soul. They all too often show me what my intentions really are.
The only way I can get this yuck out is to fall on my knees, cry out to Jesus and let Him make something beautiful. This in itself is a great, great gift.
But wait, there's more. It strengthens my relationship with Jesus and at the same time, strengthens my relationships around me. Then, I am a truly blessed woman.
It also strengthens my mind and allows me to think more clearly, deal with things quicker, easier and with less complications. It teaches me how to treat people better, what really matters and how to be grateful.
Most of all, problems help me to really appreciate the good times. Do you see it now? Do you see how I'm blessed?
It draws me close to God. I have to lean on Him if I'm going to solve the problem, not just muddle through it. They show me what I'm made of and make me stronger. They show me what I am not made of and how I need to change. They show me the depths of my heart and soul. They all too often show me what my intentions really are.
The only way I can get this yuck out is to fall on my knees, cry out to Jesus and let Him make something beautiful. This in itself is a great, great gift.
But wait, there's more. It strengthens my relationship with Jesus and at the same time, strengthens my relationships around me. Then, I am a truly blessed woman.
It also strengthens my mind and allows me to think more clearly, deal with things quicker, easier and with less complications. It teaches me how to treat people better, what really matters and how to be grateful.
Most of all, problems help me to really appreciate the good times. Do you see it now? Do you see how I'm blessed?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Gift of Learning
Learning is a gift because it pushes us to be better and to be able to give more. It prevents stagnation and adds enjoyment. It can bring us closer to God and heighten our walk with Him. I want to be blessed enough to continue learning until the day I die.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Gift of Friends
I like friends; I enjoy their love and companionship. My life is not the same without them. At the same time, friendship is a lot of work.
For months now I have yearned to have healthier friendships. To have friends that give and take equally, who love the Lord and follow Him whole heartedly, who know how to have fun and laugh, who allow me to be vulnerable and are vulnerable with me, who are positive and don’t focus on all the drama, who are problem solvers not just talkers, who reach out to the hurting and live to help others, who make the world a better place because they are in it and think the same about me.
I have also longed to be able to be more vulnerable and honest, thus more intimate with others. I long to feel safe and trust more deeply. To be able to give more of me on an emotional level - to not just connect, but to really connect.
Oh what a treasure! A far greater gift, I can think of no other. I’ve been frustrated for far too long. I needed to be in order to see what a gift friendship truly is. I’ve been afraid of being inadequate and not having enough to offer. This is a fear worth conquering and getting over, for on the other side will be a blessing like no other.
For months now I have yearned to have healthier friendships. To have friends that give and take equally, who love the Lord and follow Him whole heartedly, who know how to have fun and laugh, who allow me to be vulnerable and are vulnerable with me, who are positive and don’t focus on all the drama, who are problem solvers not just talkers, who reach out to the hurting and live to help others, who make the world a better place because they are in it and think the same about me.
I have also longed to be able to be more vulnerable and honest, thus more intimate with others. I long to feel safe and trust more deeply. To be able to give more of me on an emotional level - to not just connect, but to really connect.
Oh what a treasure! A far greater gift, I can think of no other. I’ve been frustrated for far too long. I needed to be in order to see what a gift friendship truly is. I’ve been afraid of being inadequate and not having enough to offer. This is a fear worth conquering and getting over, for on the other side will be a blessing like no other.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Gift of Money
Wow, I had no idea money was a gift. Strange since I’m a missionary and I live off others ‘gifts’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always thankful for the financial gifts. I just didn’t realize that having the money is a gift, as well. For the last 8 months God has mostly provided the bare minimum, with bonuses here and there. I thought He was teaching me how to be grateful and be a good steward. I thought once I understood it, then He would give me more and I could then do more and better ministry. Yet, He had me start up projects without any money.
I was wrong, money isn’t what will make the ministry better and me do more – God is. My life won’t be easier just because I have money, it may get harder because the more money I have, the more responsibility I have. It will be easier when I trust God more.
I’ve so often seen money as a curse. I’ve seen my family torn up in the name of money. Money isn’t a curse though; it’s what we do with it. It’s our heart attitudes. God meant money to be a blessing. Let’s face it; life is definitely harder without money. By God providing money for the things I need, I don’t have reason to worry about food, shelter, clothes, being able to communicate, transportation and so on and so on. Technically it’s when I trust Him that I don’t have reason to worry, at the same time money definitely eliminates some of the reasons I start to worry. When He provides above that, I get to enjoy some things in life like a nice dinner, a movie, a night out with a friend, traveling, a hair cut when needed, a trip to the chiropractor and much more.
When God provides above this, I get to bless others with my blessing: treating a friend, buying flowers to cheer someone up, randomly giving money, making dinner for my roommates, giving food to the homeless guy who ‘lives’ next door, giving clothes to the beggar who rings my doorbell; the possibilities are endless.
The way I am most blessed to get to spend money is with ministry. I get to pay ladies to learn a new skill, to help them grow and better their lives. I get to buy supplies for cards and jewelry making. I get to give money to other missionaries, who are devoted to helping others. Soon I will get to open a job skills center to help so many more people. And eventually I will train others how to do what I am doing. Through all of this I get to spread the love of Jesus Christ, give my testimony and show how their lives, too can be forever changed. Amen!
Oh Father, thank You for Your gift of finances. Thank you for opening my eyes and completely changing my thinking; let my heart also follow. Thank You that You not only want to show Your love to me, but want to use me to show Your love to others, as well. Oh, to bless others whether they deserve it or not. Give me Your wisdom, knowledge and discernment.
I was wrong, money isn’t what will make the ministry better and me do more – God is. My life won’t be easier just because I have money, it may get harder because the more money I have, the more responsibility I have. It will be easier when I trust God more.
I’ve so often seen money as a curse. I’ve seen my family torn up in the name of money. Money isn’t a curse though; it’s what we do with it. It’s our heart attitudes. God meant money to be a blessing. Let’s face it; life is definitely harder without money. By God providing money for the things I need, I don’t have reason to worry about food, shelter, clothes, being able to communicate, transportation and so on and so on. Technically it’s when I trust Him that I don’t have reason to worry, at the same time money definitely eliminates some of the reasons I start to worry. When He provides above that, I get to enjoy some things in life like a nice dinner, a movie, a night out with a friend, traveling, a hair cut when needed, a trip to the chiropractor and much more.
When God provides above this, I get to bless others with my blessing: treating a friend, buying flowers to cheer someone up, randomly giving money, making dinner for my roommates, giving food to the homeless guy who ‘lives’ next door, giving clothes to the beggar who rings my doorbell; the possibilities are endless.
The way I am most blessed to get to spend money is with ministry. I get to pay ladies to learn a new skill, to help them grow and better their lives. I get to buy supplies for cards and jewelry making. I get to give money to other missionaries, who are devoted to helping others. Soon I will get to open a job skills center to help so many more people. And eventually I will train others how to do what I am doing. Through all of this I get to spread the love of Jesus Christ, give my testimony and show how their lives, too can be forever changed. Amen!
Oh Father, thank You for Your gift of finances. Thank you for opening my eyes and completely changing my thinking; let my heart also follow. Thank You that You not only want to show Your love to me, but want to use me to show Your love to others, as well. Oh, to bless others whether they deserve it or not. Give me Your wisdom, knowledge and discernment.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The Gift of Work (Ministry)
If ministry (work) is a gift then it doesn’t have to be so hard. Jesus didn’t give me this gift to make me miserable. He also didn’t give it just to grow me, nor with the sole purpose of using me to change lives. He gave it to me to bless my life, to fulfill me and to give me a purpose. To give me the gift of enjoying hard work.
Ministry at times is very slow. You would think the free time and solitude would bless me and at time it does, at the same time there are times that I have way too much down time and I find myself bored, miserable, discouraged, disappointed and depressed. God has some big plans for the ministry He has for me; I’ve had a taste of how fulfilling it is. Yet I still find myself afraid to step out and really let all He has for me happen. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it, or be enough, that I’ll get too tired and not have time to myself. So I prevent the blessing and in the mean time I feel all the things above.
I made a decision the other day to step past my fears, into the unknown (I thought I already had), obey God and do what He really has for me to do. I look forward to stepping back into His hands, floating down the river and allowing Him to bring everything to me as I do each thing that He asks of me to do. I can hardly wait to see all that He is going to do!
I am so blessed to have a purpose, to be in Africa, to have these ladies in my life, to work with amazing people and to see dreams come true. So many people go through life not knowing what their purpose is. They grow older and wonder if they even made a difference. The majority of the time, I know I make a difference. Thank you, Jesus.
Ministry at times is very slow. You would think the free time and solitude would bless me and at time it does, at the same time there are times that I have way too much down time and I find myself bored, miserable, discouraged, disappointed and depressed. God has some big plans for the ministry He has for me; I’ve had a taste of how fulfilling it is. Yet I still find myself afraid to step out and really let all He has for me happen. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it, or be enough, that I’ll get too tired and not have time to myself. So I prevent the blessing and in the mean time I feel all the things above.
I made a decision the other day to step past my fears, into the unknown (I thought I already had), obey God and do what He really has for me to do. I look forward to stepping back into His hands, floating down the river and allowing Him to bring everything to me as I do each thing that He asks of me to do. I can hardly wait to see all that He is going to do!
I am so blessed to have a purpose, to be in Africa, to have these ladies in my life, to work with amazing people and to see dreams come true. So many people go through life not knowing what their purpose is. They grow older and wonder if they even made a difference. The majority of the time, I know I make a difference. Thank you, Jesus.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Prayer
Please be praying for all the ministries catering to women out of prostitution here in Cape Town. Many seem to be under a lot of attack this year and having a hard time getting things running for the year. One of the Safe Houses is really struggling - all of the ladies, except one, went on a drinking binge not too long ago and left the house. The one who remained went to her boyfriends and ended up in the hospital because of it. The church has learned valuable lessons in this and is revamping things to have closer supervision of the ladies and to make it so they are unable to leave without a worker with them. They hope to open up again in March.
The craft projects are on hold at the moment as my ministry is under a lot of attack, as well. We are currently trying to figure things out and deciding where to go from here. Please pray as all of us are quite stressed out and finding it difficult to deal with each other. Pray that God gives us guidance and we make the necessary decisions that will provide the opportunity for all parties to do the ministries we are passionate about doing.
Thank you.
The craft projects are on hold at the moment as my ministry is under a lot of attack, as well. We are currently trying to figure things out and deciding where to go from here. Please pray as all of us are quite stressed out and finding it difficult to deal with each other. Pray that God gives us guidance and we make the necessary decisions that will provide the opportunity for all parties to do the ministries we are passionate about doing.
Thank you.
Who's really the missionary?
My roommate Eleanor and I started meeting with the guards over at the Hartleyvalle Stadium next door to us. The men are all from the Congo - we are praying with them and doing devotionals. At first I have to admit that I was a little frustrated to be giving up the Saturday night movie (waaah, I know). I'm really glad I did (I did still get to catch the last half, so not so sad). I thought we were going to be ministering to them. Shoot! They ministered so much to me! Man, are they on fire for the Lord and have amazing wisdom. The Holy Spirit was obviously speaking to them, because one of the men preached on exactly what I was struggeling with and had just moments before been talking to my roommate and shedding some tears. By the time we were done I was at peace and feeling a whole lot better. Hopefully, they got something out of it, too. I tell you, so many times I wonder if I'm really ministering to anyone else. Seems those I purpose to minister to are always ministering to me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
What's in a Name?
I had a conversation the other day about the meaning of our names and how every time someone says our name they are speaking the meaning of it into our lives. I completely believe that we are speaking destiny into our children's lives when we choose their names. I also believe that God has a purpose for us and the meaning of our names is a part of it. I hadn't ever thought about it, but it makes complete sense to me that when my name is called it is saying I am who my name says that I am.
Yes, I realize so many of you theologians are arguing that we are who God says we are. I get it and of course it is profoundly true. At the same time I still believe our names are a HUGE part of our identity and we can choose to live in it or not. Now if you have a terrible name that means bitter or something just as bad, does this mean you have to walk in this? No, but it does mean it is probably attached to you since it's been spoken over you and you need to pray against it. Possibly ask God to give you a new name. He did it all the time in the Bible; changing a poor meaning name into a brilliant, God divine name.
I also just had a conversation with a friend about how even our middle names speak into our lives. I have never thought about that nor have I ever looked it up, until today. I will tell you what it means just now. It's interesting how this name means something and is a part of our identity too, even though it is rarely said, just because it was given to us.
So what does my name mean? Emily is German (perfect since my family is German) and means Industrious One (diligent, hard-working, busy, productive, skillful, clever). The spiritual definition is Diligent Worker (same as other with attentive, cautious, meticulous, thorough, persistant/persevering). The scripture attached is Matthew 5:16 - Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. The verse before (15) says do not put your light under a basket, but on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
My middle name is Donnelle. Surprisingly, it was in the dictionary. It is Irish and means Brave (courageous, bold, daring, fearless, heroic, warrior) and the spiritual definition Vigilant means (watchful, attentive, alert, observant, cautious, headful, aware). The verse is 1 Corinthians 16:13 - Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. The next verse (14) says let all you do be done in love, which I think is extremely important for me to remember.
I believe that I live in my name, as well as the scripture attached; at least most of the time. The interesting thing is that I discovered as I looked up the meanings, what each antonym is as well. For industrious it is lazy (lethargic, laid back, apathetic), diligent is the same and includes (idle), brave is cowardly (weak, timid, fearful) and vigilant is oblivious (unaware, unmindful, ignorant).
I may even find this more interesting than the origional meanings. For all of these antonyms are the things that I struggle with the most. Everytime I stop living in my spirit and let my flesh mostly take over I find these issues popping up. How clever that the enemy would know us so well that he even knows who we are meant to be by our given name and will fight us in the areas that take away the signigicance (value, worth) of who we are called to be.
Now that I know this, the next time that I find myself feeling antonymously (in opposition of my name) I am going to speak out my name and claim it's meaning. Saying that I know full well who I am and I choose to live in the personality that God has chosen to give me.
Yes, I realize so many of you theologians are arguing that we are who God says we are. I get it and of course it is profoundly true. At the same time I still believe our names are a HUGE part of our identity and we can choose to live in it or not. Now if you have a terrible name that means bitter or something just as bad, does this mean you have to walk in this? No, but it does mean it is probably attached to you since it's been spoken over you and you need to pray against it. Possibly ask God to give you a new name. He did it all the time in the Bible; changing a poor meaning name into a brilliant, God divine name.
I also just had a conversation with a friend about how even our middle names speak into our lives. I have never thought about that nor have I ever looked it up, until today. I will tell you what it means just now. It's interesting how this name means something and is a part of our identity too, even though it is rarely said, just because it was given to us.
So what does my name mean? Emily is German (perfect since my family is German) and means Industrious One (diligent, hard-working, busy, productive, skillful, clever). The spiritual definition is Diligent Worker (same as other with attentive, cautious, meticulous, thorough, persistant/persevering). The scripture attached is Matthew 5:16 - Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. The verse before (15) says do not put your light under a basket, but on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
My middle name is Donnelle. Surprisingly, it was in the dictionary. It is Irish and means Brave (courageous, bold, daring, fearless, heroic, warrior) and the spiritual definition Vigilant means (watchful, attentive, alert, observant, cautious, headful, aware). The verse is 1 Corinthians 16:13 - Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. The next verse (14) says let all you do be done in love, which I think is extremely important for me to remember.
I believe that I live in my name, as well as the scripture attached; at least most of the time. The interesting thing is that I discovered as I looked up the meanings, what each antonym is as well. For industrious it is lazy (lethargic, laid back, apathetic), diligent is the same and includes (idle), brave is cowardly (weak, timid, fearful) and vigilant is oblivious (unaware, unmindful, ignorant).
I may even find this more interesting than the origional meanings. For all of these antonyms are the things that I struggle with the most. Everytime I stop living in my spirit and let my flesh mostly take over I find these issues popping up. How clever that the enemy would know us so well that he even knows who we are meant to be by our given name and will fight us in the areas that take away the signigicance (value, worth) of who we are called to be.
Now that I know this, the next time that I find myself feeling antonymously (in opposition of my name) I am going to speak out my name and claim it's meaning. Saying that I know full well who I am and I choose to live in the personality that God has chosen to give me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Empty Promises
I sat down to write a letter to a friend who really hurt me. As I wrote I thought of all the people who have hurt me this week, mostly due to broken promises. Just this week alone I had 3 people contact me and make plans with me just to completely forget me. I have had many difficult conversations this week, as well. Many people have said they miss me, they want more of a friendship, they want to get together, they want to talk to me and yet they never do. Instead I’m left hurt.
As I was writing the letter I thought of all the times I’ve hurt people with broken promises & empty sentiment. How many times do I do this and never even realize it? I say I really miss people and want to talk: sometimes I really do and other times I only mean it in the moment. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I really do mean it. And many times I mean it, but get busy and forget that I had said I would set something up.
How many times do I say I will do something yet I don’t? Over and over I’ve said I have something to send to different people, and I do, but due to finances I can’t afford to send it. Yet, do they know that, or do they just think I never meant it? And even though it’s a lack of funding that has prevented me from sending the items does this make it okay? Or was I wrong to say I had something that I couldn’t afford to send?
Why do we do this? Why are we so quick to offer help, friendship and sentiment, yet so slow to follow through? It has me question how much is for the other people and how much is for ourselves? Do we say things because we are supposed to or we want to look good, or do we say it because we truly care about them and want to love on them?
I want to be one who says and does things out of love not self-gratification. I want to really mean something when I say it. I want others to know that if I say I want to get together I really want to get together and because I really want to, they can know it will really happen.
Lord, I so desperately want to love others better and to be more of a woman of my word. Help me to shut my mouth until I know what I can truly follow through on. Help me not to make empty promises or give empty sentiment. It would be better not to say or offer anything than to hurt people. And help me not to get hurt when others do it to me. Amen
As I was writing the letter I thought of all the times I’ve hurt people with broken promises & empty sentiment. How many times do I do this and never even realize it? I say I really miss people and want to talk: sometimes I really do and other times I only mean it in the moment. Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I really do mean it. And many times I mean it, but get busy and forget that I had said I would set something up.
How many times do I say I will do something yet I don’t? Over and over I’ve said I have something to send to different people, and I do, but due to finances I can’t afford to send it. Yet, do they know that, or do they just think I never meant it? And even though it’s a lack of funding that has prevented me from sending the items does this make it okay? Or was I wrong to say I had something that I couldn’t afford to send?
Why do we do this? Why are we so quick to offer help, friendship and sentiment, yet so slow to follow through? It has me question how much is for the other people and how much is for ourselves? Do we say things because we are supposed to or we want to look good, or do we say it because we truly care about them and want to love on them?
I want to be one who says and does things out of love not self-gratification. I want to really mean something when I say it. I want others to know that if I say I want to get together I really want to get together and because I really want to, they can know it will really happen.
Lord, I so desperately want to love others better and to be more of a woman of my word. Help me to shut my mouth until I know what I can truly follow through on. Help me not to make empty promises or give empty sentiment. It would be better not to say or offer anything than to hurt people. And help me not to get hurt when others do it to me. Amen
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