A little insite into the inner workings of me :-) My personality type (according to Myers-Brigg) is INFP. Here are some characteristics of this type. People argue that I am an extravert - I think the INFP fits me to a T!
INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed.
With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships.
INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.
INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.
INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate's privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate's perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.
In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving people who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.
Strengths:
Warmly concerned and caring towards others
Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Deep capacity for love and caring
Driven to meet other's needs
Strive for "win-win" situations
Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
Able to express themselves well
Flexible and diverse
Weaknesses:
May tend to be shy and reserved
Don't like to have their "space" invaded
Extreme dislike of conflict
Extreme dislike of criticism
Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
May react very emotionally to stressful situations
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Losing a part of myself
Oh how deep is the grief that is inside of me. Grief, the feeling that has overwhelmed me so many times since moving to Africa. Quickly after comes the guilt that I shouldn't feel this way. I hate grief, it makes me feel week and vulnerable. It also feels as if it devalues me. I feel the pressure that as a Christian I have to have it all together and I feel it even more as a missionary. Why? Why isn't it okay to be going through some hard things? Why isn't it okay to go through a period of ups and downs - joy and sorrow?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other
Two sides
Oh how deep is the grief that is inside of me. Grief, the feeling that has overwhelmed me so many times since moving to Africa. Quickly after comes the guilt that I shouldn't feel this way. I hate grief, it makes me feel week and vulnerable. It also feels as if it devalues me. I feel the pressure that as a Christian I have to have it all together and I feel it even more as a missionary. Why? Why isn't it okay to be going through some hard things? Why isn't it okay to go through a period of ups and downs - joy and sorrow?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other?
I'm told this is very common for missionaries, esp in their first year. I often tell myself it won't always feel like this. Some days this just isn't enough to get me cheery. I feel like I'm letting go of so much and ministry is chiseling me into a whole new person; the person I was meant to be. Why does chiseling have to be so painful?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other?
I'm told this is very common for missionaries, esp in their first year. I often tell myself it won't always feel like this. Some days this just isn't enough to get me cheery. I feel like I'm letting go of so much and ministry is chiseling me into a whole new person; the person I was meant to be. Why does chiseling have to be so painful?
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Gift of Health
You don't usually appreciate your health until you no longer have it. I have gone through numerous health issues, some severe, some less severe, some chronic, some situational; all annoying. I had gotten so used to being sick and in pain that I didn't know what it was really like to be in health.
The first day I used my c-pap (sleep machine, which I no longer need - praise God)and got my first night of real sleep I remember waking up the next day so unbelievably energized and happy. Lack of sleep had made me depressed and exhausted. I got soooo much done that day. I remember thinking "this is what it's like to get sleep?". I had no idea what I had been missing out on. I never wanted to go back!
The day I was healed from fibromyalgia I had run to my cabin without thinking. Once I got there I stopped suddenly - it had just dawned on me that I had run. I had difficulty walking too much and hadn't run in years! I couldn't believe how amazing it felt.
I was in a car accident and had injured 1/2 of my body. I spent a couple of months in bed (because that was all I could do) with ice on 1/2 my body. Later when I was at a point where I could start strengthening I took full advantage of it - it felt incredible. It felt so good that I continued working out the entire rest of last year. I even upped the working out to 4x/wk and was doing things I never could before (I just hurt a bit afterwards).
This year I have had quite a bit more pain from the injuries due to it now having been many months since getting treatment and not being done with what I need. Also, from being more seditary and not having kept up on working out. I forgot how good it felt to be in health until I got the flu.
This past flu was a nightmare. I was sick for a couple of weeks with a cold, then it turned to the flu with a very high temp, then bronchitis, then got bit by a spider on my face and had effects from the poison, then got laryngitis and really sore throat and still am losing voice, have a cough and get sore throat and it has been almost 5 weeks. I'm remembering just how much being in health is a gift.
Health is something that God wants for all of us, not because we deserve it, but because He loves us. Ask anyone who doesn't have health and they will tell you how much they yearn for it. God wants to lavish on each of us the gift of health. I know that as I get my health back, I truly, truly am grateful for the gift of health.
The first day I used my c-pap (sleep machine, which I no longer need - praise God)and got my first night of real sleep I remember waking up the next day so unbelievably energized and happy. Lack of sleep had made me depressed and exhausted. I got soooo much done that day. I remember thinking "this is what it's like to get sleep?". I had no idea what I had been missing out on. I never wanted to go back!
The day I was healed from fibromyalgia I had run to my cabin without thinking. Once I got there I stopped suddenly - it had just dawned on me that I had run. I had difficulty walking too much and hadn't run in years! I couldn't believe how amazing it felt.
I was in a car accident and had injured 1/2 of my body. I spent a couple of months in bed (because that was all I could do) with ice on 1/2 my body. Later when I was at a point where I could start strengthening I took full advantage of it - it felt incredible. It felt so good that I continued working out the entire rest of last year. I even upped the working out to 4x/wk and was doing things I never could before (I just hurt a bit afterwards).
This year I have had quite a bit more pain from the injuries due to it now having been many months since getting treatment and not being done with what I need. Also, from being more seditary and not having kept up on working out. I forgot how good it felt to be in health until I got the flu.
This past flu was a nightmare. I was sick for a couple of weeks with a cold, then it turned to the flu with a very high temp, then bronchitis, then got bit by a spider on my face and had effects from the poison, then got laryngitis and really sore throat and still am losing voice, have a cough and get sore throat and it has been almost 5 weeks. I'm remembering just how much being in health is a gift.
Health is something that God wants for all of us, not because we deserve it, but because He loves us. Ask anyone who doesn't have health and they will tell you how much they yearn for it. God wants to lavish on each of us the gift of health. I know that as I get my health back, I truly, truly am grateful for the gift of health.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Gift of Problems
Oh, problems. What can I say about problems? I usually wish I had none. I wish life was easy and always went my way, but it's not and it doesn't. Problems are inevitable, so how is it that a problem is a blessing?
It draws me close to God. I have to lean on Him if I'm going to solve the problem, not just muddle through it. They show me what I'm made of and make me stronger. They show me what I am not made of and how I need to change. They show me the depths of my heart and soul. They all too often show me what my intentions really are.
The only way I can get this yuck out is to fall on my knees, cry out to Jesus and let Him make something beautiful. This in itself is a great, great gift.
But wait, there's more. It strengthens my relationship with Jesus and at the same time, strengthens my relationships around me. Then, I am a truly blessed woman.
It also strengthens my mind and allows me to think more clearly, deal with things quicker, easier and with less complications. It teaches me how to treat people better, what really matters and how to be grateful.
Most of all, problems help me to really appreciate the good times. Do you see it now? Do you see how I'm blessed?
It draws me close to God. I have to lean on Him if I'm going to solve the problem, not just muddle through it. They show me what I'm made of and make me stronger. They show me what I am not made of and how I need to change. They show me the depths of my heart and soul. They all too often show me what my intentions really are.
The only way I can get this yuck out is to fall on my knees, cry out to Jesus and let Him make something beautiful. This in itself is a great, great gift.
But wait, there's more. It strengthens my relationship with Jesus and at the same time, strengthens my relationships around me. Then, I am a truly blessed woman.
It also strengthens my mind and allows me to think more clearly, deal with things quicker, easier and with less complications. It teaches me how to treat people better, what really matters and how to be grateful.
Most of all, problems help me to really appreciate the good times. Do you see it now? Do you see how I'm blessed?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Gift of Learning
Learning is a gift because it pushes us to be better and to be able to give more. It prevents stagnation and adds enjoyment. It can bring us closer to God and heighten our walk with Him. I want to be blessed enough to continue learning until the day I die.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Gift of Friends
I like friends; I enjoy their love and companionship. My life is not the same without them. At the same time, friendship is a lot of work.
For months now I have yearned to have healthier friendships. To have friends that give and take equally, who love the Lord and follow Him whole heartedly, who know how to have fun and laugh, who allow me to be vulnerable and are vulnerable with me, who are positive and don’t focus on all the drama, who are problem solvers not just talkers, who reach out to the hurting and live to help others, who make the world a better place because they are in it and think the same about me.
I have also longed to be able to be more vulnerable and honest, thus more intimate with others. I long to feel safe and trust more deeply. To be able to give more of me on an emotional level - to not just connect, but to really connect.
Oh what a treasure! A far greater gift, I can think of no other. I’ve been frustrated for far too long. I needed to be in order to see what a gift friendship truly is. I’ve been afraid of being inadequate and not having enough to offer. This is a fear worth conquering and getting over, for on the other side will be a blessing like no other.
For months now I have yearned to have healthier friendships. To have friends that give and take equally, who love the Lord and follow Him whole heartedly, who know how to have fun and laugh, who allow me to be vulnerable and are vulnerable with me, who are positive and don’t focus on all the drama, who are problem solvers not just talkers, who reach out to the hurting and live to help others, who make the world a better place because they are in it and think the same about me.
I have also longed to be able to be more vulnerable and honest, thus more intimate with others. I long to feel safe and trust more deeply. To be able to give more of me on an emotional level - to not just connect, but to really connect.
Oh what a treasure! A far greater gift, I can think of no other. I’ve been frustrated for far too long. I needed to be in order to see what a gift friendship truly is. I’ve been afraid of being inadequate and not having enough to offer. This is a fear worth conquering and getting over, for on the other side will be a blessing like no other.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Gift of Money
Wow, I had no idea money was a gift. Strange since I’m a missionary and I live off others ‘gifts’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always thankful for the financial gifts. I just didn’t realize that having the money is a gift, as well. For the last 8 months God has mostly provided the bare minimum, with bonuses here and there. I thought He was teaching me how to be grateful and be a good steward. I thought once I understood it, then He would give me more and I could then do more and better ministry. Yet, He had me start up projects without any money.
I was wrong, money isn’t what will make the ministry better and me do more – God is. My life won’t be easier just because I have money, it may get harder because the more money I have, the more responsibility I have. It will be easier when I trust God more.
I’ve so often seen money as a curse. I’ve seen my family torn up in the name of money. Money isn’t a curse though; it’s what we do with it. It’s our heart attitudes. God meant money to be a blessing. Let’s face it; life is definitely harder without money. By God providing money for the things I need, I don’t have reason to worry about food, shelter, clothes, being able to communicate, transportation and so on and so on. Technically it’s when I trust Him that I don’t have reason to worry, at the same time money definitely eliminates some of the reasons I start to worry. When He provides above that, I get to enjoy some things in life like a nice dinner, a movie, a night out with a friend, traveling, a hair cut when needed, a trip to the chiropractor and much more.
When God provides above this, I get to bless others with my blessing: treating a friend, buying flowers to cheer someone up, randomly giving money, making dinner for my roommates, giving food to the homeless guy who ‘lives’ next door, giving clothes to the beggar who rings my doorbell; the possibilities are endless.
The way I am most blessed to get to spend money is with ministry. I get to pay ladies to learn a new skill, to help them grow and better their lives. I get to buy supplies for cards and jewelry making. I get to give money to other missionaries, who are devoted to helping others. Soon I will get to open a job skills center to help so many more people. And eventually I will train others how to do what I am doing. Through all of this I get to spread the love of Jesus Christ, give my testimony and show how their lives, too can be forever changed. Amen!
Oh Father, thank You for Your gift of finances. Thank you for opening my eyes and completely changing my thinking; let my heart also follow. Thank You that You not only want to show Your love to me, but want to use me to show Your love to others, as well. Oh, to bless others whether they deserve it or not. Give me Your wisdom, knowledge and discernment.
I was wrong, money isn’t what will make the ministry better and me do more – God is. My life won’t be easier just because I have money, it may get harder because the more money I have, the more responsibility I have. It will be easier when I trust God more.
I’ve so often seen money as a curse. I’ve seen my family torn up in the name of money. Money isn’t a curse though; it’s what we do with it. It’s our heart attitudes. God meant money to be a blessing. Let’s face it; life is definitely harder without money. By God providing money for the things I need, I don’t have reason to worry about food, shelter, clothes, being able to communicate, transportation and so on and so on. Technically it’s when I trust Him that I don’t have reason to worry, at the same time money definitely eliminates some of the reasons I start to worry. When He provides above that, I get to enjoy some things in life like a nice dinner, a movie, a night out with a friend, traveling, a hair cut when needed, a trip to the chiropractor and much more.
When God provides above this, I get to bless others with my blessing: treating a friend, buying flowers to cheer someone up, randomly giving money, making dinner for my roommates, giving food to the homeless guy who ‘lives’ next door, giving clothes to the beggar who rings my doorbell; the possibilities are endless.
The way I am most blessed to get to spend money is with ministry. I get to pay ladies to learn a new skill, to help them grow and better their lives. I get to buy supplies for cards and jewelry making. I get to give money to other missionaries, who are devoted to helping others. Soon I will get to open a job skills center to help so many more people. And eventually I will train others how to do what I am doing. Through all of this I get to spread the love of Jesus Christ, give my testimony and show how their lives, too can be forever changed. Amen!
Oh Father, thank You for Your gift of finances. Thank you for opening my eyes and completely changing my thinking; let my heart also follow. Thank You that You not only want to show Your love to me, but want to use me to show Your love to others, as well. Oh, to bless others whether they deserve it or not. Give me Your wisdom, knowledge and discernment.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
The Gift of Work (Ministry)
If ministry (work) is a gift then it doesn’t have to be so hard. Jesus didn’t give me this gift to make me miserable. He also didn’t give it just to grow me, nor with the sole purpose of using me to change lives. He gave it to me to bless my life, to fulfill me and to give me a purpose. To give me the gift of enjoying hard work.
Ministry at times is very slow. You would think the free time and solitude would bless me and at time it does, at the same time there are times that I have way too much down time and I find myself bored, miserable, discouraged, disappointed and depressed. God has some big plans for the ministry He has for me; I’ve had a taste of how fulfilling it is. Yet I still find myself afraid to step out and really let all He has for me happen. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it, or be enough, that I’ll get too tired and not have time to myself. So I prevent the blessing and in the mean time I feel all the things above.
I made a decision the other day to step past my fears, into the unknown (I thought I already had), obey God and do what He really has for me to do. I look forward to stepping back into His hands, floating down the river and allowing Him to bring everything to me as I do each thing that He asks of me to do. I can hardly wait to see all that He is going to do!
I am so blessed to have a purpose, to be in Africa, to have these ladies in my life, to work with amazing people and to see dreams come true. So many people go through life not knowing what their purpose is. They grow older and wonder if they even made a difference. The majority of the time, I know I make a difference. Thank you, Jesus.
Ministry at times is very slow. You would think the free time and solitude would bless me and at time it does, at the same time there are times that I have way too much down time and I find myself bored, miserable, discouraged, disappointed and depressed. God has some big plans for the ministry He has for me; I’ve had a taste of how fulfilling it is. Yet I still find myself afraid to step out and really let all He has for me happen. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it, or be enough, that I’ll get too tired and not have time to myself. So I prevent the blessing and in the mean time I feel all the things above.
I made a decision the other day to step past my fears, into the unknown (I thought I already had), obey God and do what He really has for me to do. I look forward to stepping back into His hands, floating down the river and allowing Him to bring everything to me as I do each thing that He asks of me to do. I can hardly wait to see all that He is going to do!
I am so blessed to have a purpose, to be in Africa, to have these ladies in my life, to work with amazing people and to see dreams come true. So many people go through life not knowing what their purpose is. They grow older and wonder if they even made a difference. The majority of the time, I know I make a difference. Thank you, Jesus.
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