Oh how deep is the grief that is inside of me. Grief, the feeling that has overwhelmed me so many times since moving to Africa. Quickly after comes the guilt that I shouldn't feel this way. I hate grief, it makes me feel week and vulnerable. It also feels as if it devalues me. I feel the pressure that as a Christian I have to have it all together and I feel it even more as a missionary. Why? Why isn't it okay to be going through some hard things? Why isn't it okay to go through a period of ups and downs - joy and sorrow?
On the surface I feel so much unbelievable joy, but underneath is a deep, deep sorrow. I am unable to completely put my fingers on it; I don't know fully why I feel such grief, yet I do. I suppose a large part of it is all I've given up and left to be here. Sometimes it's the frustration that things aren't the same here, no matter if I try to make it so.
As much as I love them, the people can make me absolutely mad - the way things are said and done, the customs, the fact that the language isn't the same even though we're all speaking English, the way people think, act and feel and the fact that try as they may, people are not able to fully understand me, what I've left, how I feel or what I'm going through.
At the same time I know that people back home won't fully understand either. Sure I can let my guard down and relax, we have history, people know me and we will speak much more the same. Yet my speech has now changed quite a bit, I have changed immensely and have a whole other side to me that they don't know and can't understand. Some will treat me as if they know me, but there is so much they don't know any more. The same is true of me towards them. And this makes me sad.
I'm no longer sure where I fit in or who I am. Though I feel more American than anything, I feel as if I have lost quite a bit of that American-es. I'm torn with leaving for a couple months. I deeply grieve what I am leaving here, but I long to be in Colorado right now. My heart belongs in both places. How do I leave one for the other
No comments:
Post a Comment