Becoming Vulnerable

I have gone through a lot this past week and God has worked on some HUGE issues and character refining. Some of the guys have been calling me on pulling back and not letting people in. They told me, in numerous different ways, that I don’t let myself be vulnerable. At first, I wondered what on earth they were talking about, then, through the death of a friend, changes in ministry and my living situation, as well as an issue with a friend, God showed me this was true. I spent a lot of time this past week with God, working on my anger towards Him and the issue of intimacy.

He showed me how scared I get when I feel vulnerable and that I isolate myself or run. He is teaching me how to let people close. Part of this is by admitting to people that I have a problem with this and giving them permission to hold me accountable, telling me when I am starting to do this or devaluing something, because I am scared. I have asked my cell group and my mentor here to do this.

I have also agreed with God to step out and do things with people, participate in the groups that I attend and to fully let go and let people in whenever I am around them. It has been exhausting! There has been HUGE breakthrough, though and I am already closer to people because of it. After cell 3 different people invited me to events. I went ballroom dancing Friday night, to a drum circle Saturday night, a braai (bbq) Sunday and am invited to another braai this Friday. Everyone at cell now has my # and 3 people on Sunday asked for it, as well. I even met a lady who wants to take me to tour. I’m not so sure how I am going to have time for this kind of a social life.

The best breakthrough was that I am no longer angry at Jesus and believe that he loves me romantically, cares about my emotions and feelings and is romancing me. I now feel His love instead of just knowing it. I can’t help but smile and feel so much joy. God did so many amazing things with street ministry yesterday because of it. It was the first time I ever felt comfortable enough to go up to people. I couldn’t help it last night; I just felt so much love for them and wanted to share it with them. Women even came up to me. I sure hope things remain like this. I just have to push through and give it to Christ when I feel vulnerable and afraid and remember when I have down times that it is okay, but not to give up.